Surviving the Holidays: Managing Expectations and Disappointment through the Gift of Presence, Given and Received.

This holiday period, kicked off with Thanksgiving and spanning through the New Year, can contain joy, elation, and the creation of family memories that last a lifetime. Yet, simply reviewing that sentence will reveal the pitfalls this very same season bestows. The holidays in our modern world exist on two separate but actual planes: 1.) spiritual and historical traditions with deeply rooted meaning and rich purpose, intended for reflection, shared celebration, and community, 2.) the commercially driven mania and hysteria sold in stores and through the media, which implicates Americans in a con of deliberately over-spending, over-eating, and over-doing in a craze that sustains capitalism and balances the checkbooks of major retailers.

Increasingly, I have born witness to a movement of Americans returning to the roots of what the holiday season means to them. In order to do this, we each as individuals must become clear about what this season represents in our lives. For many, it may be an attempt to recreate the feelings of warmth and nostalgia experienced in childhood for our own children. Some will believe that this is done through gift-giving, in the exchange of the material. Others may desire a closeness and intimacy with family that never existed to begin with, and that year-long, subtle longing becomes acutely painful during a season in which everyone around them appears to be contentedly enjoying perfect relationships, perfect lives, in a perfectly festive setting. This juxtaposition, created by comparison, can create a sense of cognitive dissonance: my expectations do not match my reality. Uh oh. Here arrives the twin sister of Expectations. Meet: Disappointment.

How do we escape the trap of disappointment on ‘special occasions,’ or worse, entire ‘special seasons,’ in which our socially programmed inner voice says, “everything should be perfect during this time.’ Life does not comply with this initiative, because (spoiler alert!) life does not know that it’s the holidays! Life continues on, and does not make exemptions from doing so for special occasions. Examples of this are easy to find: People get into fender benders on their birthdays. Children end up in the ER in need of stitches on Thanksgiving. Parents get the stomach bug on Christmas Day. People get laid off during Hanukkah. On a less radical level, this holiday season, you can be almost certain of these things: siblings will fight. Lights will get tangled. Precious gifts will get lost in the mail. Cards will be returned to sender. You will bicker with a loved one. These events are relatively benign and ought not cause us pain, but rather mere disappointment. However, pain will occur when we tell ourselves promptly afterwards, ‘this shouldn’t be so. Something is wrong, because this shouldn’t be happening to me during the holidays. This is not happening to other people.’

Where do we get this idea that life should cease being real life during the holidays? Well… we do it to each other, don’t we? During a time meant to foster genuine connectivity in communities, we send Christmas card letters that read like a family CV. We post only the ‘good stuff’ to social media. We sign up for anything and everything that will foster that merry feeling we crave - and if it doesn’t, we sign up for more. We do it because it’s what we’ve been taught to do: celebrate with a measure of disingenuousness.

So, what is it that we can do to combat this mass insincerity? I begin by speaking about it. Bringing these topics to light and using humor to contrast our holiday hopes and dreams with what actually transpires, helps. Being gentle with ourselves and speaking with love and tenderness to that still, small voice, which intuitively knows stuff doesn’t buy connection, and that busyness won’t fill the need for meaning, helps too. Also, reminding ourselves that we can ‘unfollow’ people who do not bring us joy, or who feed into this collective, insatiable desire to complicate this season. Lastly, perhaps most importantly, using the tools of self-forgiveness and acceptance to manage the disparity between what exists in our minds as the ideal, and what exists between us and some of the people we love. Relationships with your extended family will not suddenly become conflict-free because it is a special season. People will be who they are, and act in accordance with their typical behavior. Individual human psycho-pathology will not cease to exist because it’s a special time of year. Hard, hard truths, which acceptance can cure, and judgment and the inner critic will never approve of.

Prescription for Wellness. . . Give the gift of radical acceptance to yourself and your loved ones this holiday season. Allow what is to be: the child who won’t smile for the family photo. The aunt who is aloof. The in-law who can be moody. The cousin who has too much to drink. The dog who pees on the carpet. The bickering siblings. They are your people, imperfect and flawed as we all are, and the holidays are not about perfection, but about what they represent to you.

For me, the holiday season is about the traditional music of my childhood, the lights brightening the darkest time of year (even though they were tangled), the cozy evenings in front of the fire with family (even if they’re bickering), the smile on a loved ones face when they see you’ve thought of them with a thoughtful token (even when it’s the wrong size), the taste of homemade cookies (even if they contain kid-baker’s boogers and snot), the moments shared with friends and family (even when someone annoys you, or says the wrong thing, which they will, because life continues to be life and life does not know it’s the holidays.) And these things are good, if we can take them for what they are, and know that we are not guaranteed a perfect holiday season, but we are guaranteed a chance to be present and practice acceptance every day of the year – and if we can accomplish this feat during the holidays, then we are spirituality, love, and peace, in action.

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A letter to my child, on the day of receiving your first phone

By Mary Dobson, MA, LMFT, CEDS

After speaking with parents of Burr and Dwight Elementary Schools in Fairfield about safe media use and teens, I was inspired to write a letter that may be used as a jumping off point for parents to start a conversation around phone usage.

My child...

I present to you, your very own phone.

This phone is a great tool. It can be used to connect you with your family and friends. It can be used to play your favorite music, to share funny memes with friends, and to take photos of the people and things that you love.

This phone also comes with a set of guidelines. These guidelines were carefully thought out, to protect you, and the people you communicate with, from harm.

It may come as a surprise to you, but many kids your age have gotten into big trouble because of behavior exhibited on this seemingly harmless little device.

Some of these behaviors feel uncomfortable to even speak about with you, because you are such a great kid, with a wonderful, kind, caring heart. I can’t picture you engaging in these kinds of behaviors, ever. But, I have come to learn that speaking with you about these dangers beforehand can help you to be better informed and also to hopefully avoid terrible problems.

Here are the guidelines I have set forth, and how we will prevent problems from becoming an issue in our family.

1.) We will not permit you to use your phone as a weapon.

I have learned that these phones can be used to bully and exploit others. Exploit means, trying to hurt someone by taking their image and using it against them. This can be done in several ways. Kids take pictures and videos of others without their permission, and post them. Other kids may comment on these images. Taking pictures and videos of others without their permission is unacceptable and also has legal repercussions. If we, your family, discover that you have done this, your phone will be taken for four weeks time.

What is even worse, and this makes me very uncomfortable to mention, is that sometimes, boys request pictures of girls. Girls can feel pressured and confused by this and provide those pictures to boys.

My son, I want you to imagine that your sister or cousin were put in this difficult position by a peer at school. Could you imagine how painful it would be for her if she sent a photo of herself and others saw it? Son, doing this and getting caught WILL result in legal action taken against you by your school, or the girls parents. Doing this and getting away with it could permanently erode your value system, sense of self, and how you see and interact with women in the future. We know you are curious and that this can be a confusing time in life. But, requesting or sharing pictures of women is explicitly prohibited and if we find you are using your phone in this way, we are prepared to remove your phone for three months, as well as have you apologize to the girl in question, and her family. We hope to never be put in a position of having to have this conversation with you. We also hope that if you learn of doing anything of this nature, you will let us know immediately, so that you can help to protect the girls in your class, as well as the boys who are doing this from getting in terrible criminal trouble down the line. We will not punish you for turning someone in.

My daughter, I want you to understand something. Your body is a precious gift, and it belongs to you and you alone. Please talk to us if you are being pressured to share pictures of your body. We will discuss how to handle it appropriately. Please never feel obligated to share an image of yours with anyone. Sharing a compromising image of yourself will not make you more popular, but it might ruin many years of your life. Imagine an image of you being seen by your principal, or the police. This is what can happen and will happen when someone is caught for this behavior - and they almost always are. I promise you that this behavior will only make your life very difficult in the future. Furthermore, if we learn that you have shared images with anyone on the internet, we will remove your phone for three months time.

2.) Parental oversight.

We will monitor your phone regularly. Texts are not to be deleted, and we will reserve the right to retrieve deleted texts from the carrier database, as well as remove your phone for one month for deleting texts.

3.) The following apps are permitted: ———. You are not to download any apps. We will maintain the iCloud password to ensure that you are not able to download apps addition to the ones we have set up on your phone.

4) The phone can be used at the following times:

When homework and chores are complete

Before 8:30pm

Never during school hours

Never during mealtimes with friends or family

5) If we feel you are experiencing personality changes after getting a phone, we will remove your phone, out of concern for your wellbeing. The jury is out on how having phones this young will impact young people. We want to keep you healthy, happy and safe above all else.

We hope you understand these conditions.

We love you and congratulations on your first phone.

Love,

Mom and Dad.

Click here for more information on child therapy.

5 (Debunked!) Myths About Coaching vs. Therapy – and how to find the right fit for your needs

When an individual is preparing to pursue professional help in order to better deal with a personal problem, it can be unclear whether to choose a therapist or a certified coach. Major misconceptions have existed around what distinguishes psychotherapy from coaching, and many remain confused about what differentiates the two. 

At LIFT, we define coaching in two true and distinctive ways: 1. a style of interpersonal work with clients utilized in some facet by every member of our team, 2. the designation of the coaching profession, which has unique purposes and adaptabilities, and can be amended to serve clients on the day-to-day in real time. 

Let’s delve in deeper by taking a look at myths that may reveal prejudices and stereotypes regarding the use of both modalities. We promise you that by the end of this article, you’ll have a better understanding of how coaching and therapy really work.

Myth #1: Coaches are concerned with your present and future, whereas therapists are caught up in your past.

If you are considering coaching or therapy, it’s likely that you’re presently being held back by maladaptive beliefs and feelings about your potential, much of which are derived from both current and past experiences and schemas. The job of a therapist and that of a coach will be to learn how your back-story is shaping present and future. Where a therapist is uniquely trained to investigate childhood origins and unconscious meanings, a coach is not. Both will address your past, but a therapist will do so by harnessing overarching insight-based behavior change, and a coach in an effort to help you combat the current pattern. Of course, the goal in both cases will be the same: self-knowledge, self-compassion, and second-order change.

Therapists are not obsessed with the past, but we do see the past as being rich with data samples on your patterns, and a likely precedent for how you may respond in the future. Whether working with a therapist or a coach, understanding your past behavior will be critical in setting new trends in your future. An important note: In cases wherein someone has considerable trauma, entrenched neuroses, an active mental health diagnosis or addition, or entrenched toxic relational patterns, it’s crucial to seek the help of a therapist to treat the underlying problem areas before delving into situational stressors.

Myth #2: Coaching is fast; therapy is slow and time-consuming.

As a counseling practice that utilizes a solution-focused model, we balk at the idea that therapy has to be a slow and perfunctory process. Measurable, concrete outcomes are the desire of any therapist worth her salt, and therapists are as concerned about empirical measures of success and movement of a client from point A to point B as coaches can be. If coaching is more expeditious, this can be attributed to the presenting problem areas that are often brought to coaching, which are often situational. Depending on the nature of the problem, therapy can see effective outcomes in 3-6 sessions, as can coaching, although many choose to continue with either on a longer-term basis in order to maintain gains, continue to learn and practice new skills, and have a greater sense of accountability.

Myth #3: If you don’t have a mental illness, you belong in coaching rather than therapy.

Many present to therapy for issues that are unrelated to mental health, i.e., career or marital dissatisfaction, self-care check-ups, parenting guidance, general confidence building, or existential dilemmas. The stereotype that well-minded individuals belong in coaching rather than therapy stems from the decreased stigma that goes along with the coaching profession versus that of what has been placed on mental health. Therapists help well people feel better, too!

Myth #4: Coaches will hold you accountable, whereas therapists are always objective, neutral and unbiased.

An active and engaged therapist will provide honest feedback and constructively challenge a client. Therapy is an authentic space in which a client can explore and learn about themselves, and a valuable tool in this process is a fair and trustworthy mirror. Outdated models of therapy in which clinicians sit silently are rarely preferred; most clients wish to have a meaningful relationship with a confidante who is appropriately vulnerable and forthcoming themselves.

Myth #5: Coaches will do wrap-around work with a client outside the bounds of the therapy room, whereas therapists will only spend an allotted 50-minutes with you per week, and the rest is up to you. Particularly in our DBT and ED-track work, our clinical team has always taken a hands-on approach with clients, permitting clients to text or call outside of normal office hours when needed for additional scaffolding and support, much like a coach. LIFT therapists also offer ZOOM appointments and in-home sessions to allow for greater scheduling flexibility. Note: One distinction: while therapists are only permitted to practice in their state of license, a certified coach is not bound by such restrictions. Therefore, a coach can work with clients anywhere in the world in an unrestricted manner.

Now that we have a better understanding of the similarities between coaching vs. therapy, let’s explore some of the unique benefits offered by the coaching profession.

At LIFT, our coaches are certified through an International Coach Federation accredited program, JRNI. 1:1 coaching is utilized as an auxiliary tool for clients who would benefit from strategic support in between therapy sessions in order to reinforce gains, sustain momentum, and provide accountability around a new commitment. And, coaching is also used in its own right, as a vehicle for clients who are looking to make an important life decision, improve performance in school or work, or address a challenging situation from a place of assurance and authenticity. Educating clients on the disciplines of coaching and therapy, and discussing which model will best suit their needs, are key components to our one-hour initial client evaluation. With flexibility and open-mindedness, we help clients plot a course towards their goals, using a tailored support system uniquely designed for their needs.

Feeding Your Picky Eater, Part 2

The topic of Extreme Picky Eating in children is complex and layered. In last week’s blog, we addressed ways to identify picky eaters from children with avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID) or Extreme Picky Eating (EPE.) Today, we’re offering up five helpful tips to provide a starting point from which you may begin to help the young person in your life who is struggling with food.

1.)    First, rule out medical. Has your pediatrician noted that your child is not growing at an appropriate pace according to his or her growth curve, or has failed to gain according to growth in height from the previous year? Has your child has recent bloodwork done? Have sensory issues and functional problems with chewing and swallowing been addressed?

2.)    Check in, and get a baseline on your own anxiety level. It’s necessary to consider parental anxiety around your child’s eating. What is scary about the behaviors you see in your child? (Judgement from others? Fear of social exclusion? Lack of nutrition? Or tumult from witnessing your child’s own anxiety around eating?)

3.)    Eliminate pressure around mealtimes! You will get to the root of this. Pressure increases anxiety, and anxiety decreases appetite. Power struggles and bribes will not work, but taking the pressure off will help more than you can know.

4.)    Give mealtime jobs, and make mealtimes at a consistent time of day, with as many members of the family present. Get table games, or come up with original ‘hot topics.’ Tell jokes. Enjoy one another’s company! Levity and lightheartedness will boost cohesion and set the stage for a happier, more connected shared food experience. If a family member makes a negative comment about another person’s plate, remember the adage, “don’t yuck my yum!” We can feel how we feel, but it’s not fair to ruin a food to another person who enjoys that item.

5.)    Remember the Division of Responsibility (DOR): you decide when, where, and what foods are offered, and your child decides how much.

For additional pointers on how to language with children about atypical eating patterns, we are available for individual and family consults to discuss your unique situation. As with everything, always try to connect before you correct—and have a great weekend from the LIFT Wellness team!

Click here for more information on Child Therapy.

Extreme Picky Eating In Kids: What Is It, and What Can Parents Do?

Extreme Picky Eating (EPE) is a selective eating disorder that doesn’t fall into the category of Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID), namely because it hasn’t been sustained for long enough. So, who qualifies for this diagnosis, and what can we do to help prevent it from progressing into full blown ARFID?

In my practice, where I have treated children with EPE and ARFID for over a decade, I have found children commonly susceptible to this disorder tend to possess the following characteristics: generally tuned into parents’ agenda and pressure, cautious, and prone to shyness, emotionality, and irritability.

When informed about nutrition and variety, children suffering from this condition tend to appear nervous and admit that they don’t like to eat. They also have a genuinely hard time identifying any foods that they do like. They may appear wary when the topic of food is broached; as, by the time they are presenting to therapy, food intake has likely become a point of contention and a topic of regular debate at the family table. Overwhelmingly, children presenting with these conditions do not report any discomfort with their size or stature, or acknowledge difficulty with body image. In fact, they’re frequently as baffled about why they are so adamantly resistant to certain foods as the rest of us. They’ll go to tremendous lengths to avoid acquiescing to foods they admonish, but, when push comes to shove, are unsure why.

In my experience, when a cautious temperament is combined with sensory issues, feeding can become particularly hard, with landmines for parents at every crosshair. It is commonly known that taste and tactile processing issues are linked to eating difficulties. In cases where these issues are known, we commonly engage an occupational therapist to work parallel in our efforts for best results.

So, what are the underlying issues behind EPE? A cocktail of traits, one would find, including sensory preferences (bland/strong repetition, taste/smell, visual, ie, the look of food, tactile, ie, the feel of food, auditory, ie the volume of room/stimulation. We have had patients who cannot eat when their sibling is making loud chewing noises, and patients who are ‘grossed out’ by food appearing slimy, mushy, or too spicy/exotic.  

As I mentioned, often, extreme picky eaters possess underlying sensory issues, or, just as frequently, anxiety or inattentive ADD. If a child has experienced an oral trauma such as choking, they may project that this occurrence will happen again should they consume the same, or a similar, food.

With this said, you can easily see how sensory seeking or avoidance children would experience similar difficulties relating to mealtimes. In childhood, we begin the process of encouraging self-regulation: helping children to learn to eat appropriately based on hunger, fullness, appetite, and teaching them to tune into hunger and satiety. For sensory seekers or sensory avoiders, this is challenging.

Ultimately, there are many factors to face before diagnosing a child with Extreme Picky Eating. Are they emotional at mealtime (crying or feeling  bad around food?) Has their physical growth been impeded? Have there been social repercussions (has the child been teased, or has excessive attention been paid to the problem? Does the child’s limited menu prevent social functioning? If so, it is likely that the child qualifies for a diagnosis of ECE, and they (and caregivers) will require help.

Due to the complex nature of this topic, I will address tools and interventions in a blog to follow next week.

If you are concerned about your child suffering from EPE, you are welcome to email us at mary@liftupwellness.comfor an assessment.

Click here for more information on child therapy.

Mother Wounds and Healing Transgenerational Legacies

What does the daughter of a narcissistic mother look like?

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou

Years ago, I followed a case of a very young woman who had tremendous and seemingly unfounded anger and pain in relation to her mother. Should the two be in a room together, the teenager would become intermittently volatile, withdrawn, hostile and tearful. Clinicians who worked on the case could not make sense of the behavior.

Individuals coming to therapy need to be both listened to, and heard. The language of emotions can, at times, speak more eloquently than words. As children, we are inarticulate and helpless. Because children put parents on a pedestal, shaming and gaslighting behaviors become internalized into self-loathing and low self-esteem. Often, our clients are not able to recall specific memories of interactions between themselves and their caregivers. They can offer us two things: 1) the way they felt growing up, about themselves, 2) the way they feel about themselves now, 3) the way they feel energetically around their early caregivers, 4) the way they are currently treated by their caregivers. These pieces of information culminate to help a clinician make sense of the early childhood experience of a client, and piece apart what feelings were the result of abusive or narcissistic parenting tactics, and which pieces are the result of their environment, biology, actions and interactions with peers and their world. This is nuanced work and takes time and attunement. The therapist, acting as an authentic and validating presence, can explore all of this in a safe and guided space.

Much of my practice with women has come to centralize around what I call the ‘mother wound.’ I have found several key tenets to be true: mothers give their daughters gifts, through their unmanaged personality and temperament characteristics. Women with critical mothers have a loud inner critic. Women with unapproving mothers have a fear of judgement. Women with passive aggressive mothers have a lack of confidence. Women with unavailable mothers have an inability to understand or express emotions. Women with codependent mothers have weak boundaries. Women with controlling mothers make rebellious choices. Women with pessimistic mothers’ self sabotage.

#PrescriptionForWellness. . . When mothers engage in their own healing, through self-attunement, insight and the ability to own and amend own behaviors, we engage in generational healing work, for our daughters and beyond. The greatest gift I can give my children today is the gift of my own personal reflection and commitment to psychological health and wellbeing.

“The master cannot take the student further than they have gone themselves.” Questions for Reflection. . . In what ways have you become intentional around your behavior for yourself and for your children? In what ways would you like to continue to be able to?

Is My Partner A Narcissist?

To piggyback on a previous post about couples in communication, I must add a new post altogether. I see couples who enter into counseling with an immediate, and plaguing question. “Am I, or is my spouse a narcissist? And, if so, can this marriage or relationship be saved?”

First of all, I will often reassure clients that typically, narcissists will not present for therapy inquiring into whether they are on. Many individuals end up in therapy to deal with the narcissists in their lives, and very rarely does it go the other way around.

To begin, I will note that narcissism, or in clinical circles, Narcissistic personality disorder, is one of several types of personality disorders. A simple Google search will yield you this: Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

Narcissism accounts for approximately 6% of the population, is more readily seen in males than females, and can only be diagnosed in adulthood. Symptoms must be present for at least one year. A person with narcissistic personality disorder will: exaggerate achievements and talents, need to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements, preoccupy themselves with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love, believe that they are special and unique, envy others or believe others are envious of them, behave arrogantly, possess a strong sense of entitlement, and exploit others to achieve his or her own ends.

Of course, many individuals, if not all, possess some or more of these traits within their lifespan. Who has not felt envious of someone who has more? Who does not crave recognition upon a job well performed? Who does not dream of great success and what they would do with it? Especially in the era of social media, wherein it is socially acceptable to post pictures of your self (selfies!) or perhaps worse, your shelf (shelfies!), or your car or vacation on a regular basis, is it not easy to misunderstand the true nature of narcissism?

Yes, it is. Much like all the mental health conditions, these are traits, not diagnoses. We live in a competitive age, and people have been socialized to market their personal brand to a large audience for career, for potential matchmaking, dating and mating, and even for social position for their children. This behavior, though it is an often unfortunate relic of our time, is not categorizable as narcissistic personality disorder, but rather a signpost of the era of technology we currently occupy. We can recognize narcissistic traits in others, but we cannot diagnose a person (or ourselves) based on traits alone.

As a trained therapist, narcissism is clear to spot and quickly presents itself in the following very specific ways: invalidation of others, inability to accept the reality of others’ emotional landscape, refusal to recognize the perspective of others, lack of emotional attunement with loved ones, difficulty owning and admitting blame for wrongdoing, and inability to change direction when presented with helpful feedback based on emotional reactivity and high defenses (demonstrated by lashing back, blame, stonewalling, sulking, attacking, shaming and blaming.)

Many of my clients present to me initially because they suffered an upbringing with a narcissistic mother (read: The Drama of The Gifted Child, Alice Miller.) Many of those same (now, adult) children then suffer from marrying a narcissist. It is this, then, that brings them into healing.

If you suspect you live with a narcissist or were impacted by being raised by one, do seek help. Shame, self-blame and a host of depressive disorders can be alleviated by learning to detach with love, set boundaries, take your power back, and stop the generational cycle. We are rooting for you and hope you reach out for a consult.

Click here for more information on couples therapy.

Communication Breakdown; It’s Always The Same

“Communication Breakdown, It’s Always The Same.”

Do you and your partner fight about the most mundane things? Do patterns of miscommunication, misunderstandings and hurt feelings cycle through again and again, often without resolution? If so, couples counseling may help.

As a marital and family therapist, I have spent roughly half my clinical work sitting with couples in conflict. Many couples present similarly: a feeling of disconnection is present, defenses are high, both feel misunderstood, and fear is ever-present. Will we work it out? Will this toxic pattern play out for the life of our relationship? How do we escape this merry-go-round of resentment, blame, mistrust, and pain?

My approach with couples is unique in that when I treat a relationship, I am actually working with four people in the room: the two individuals, and the two wounded inner children who desperately crave connection, attunement, safety and understanding.

A female client who I am working with has just recently come to understand how her childhood experience of distrust, betrayal and conditional love have come to play out as themes in her marriage. When I showed her this image, she looked at me with understanding and said, “every picture says a thousand words.”

The image depicts a couple that is fighting, and physically turned away from one another, while their inner children face one another with mutual understanding and playfulness. They understand that no argument is important enough to create the physical separation that has transpired. They know what is most important: love, play, belonging. They get it, but their adult selves have forgotten the truth.

We are all so different, yet so fundamentally the same in this regard. We crave a partner who will see us, validate us, and walk with us through life. Many of us already have this, and yet we find ourselves at war. Couples therapy allows partners to understand what is the problem of the relationship, and what needs to be worked through individually. Couples counseling, when performed from an attachment perspective, also helps partners to heal parts of themselves that keep them from receiving and absorbing the love their partner has for them.

We want and need love, yet we so subtly sabotage ourselves. Mindfulness of this pattern is an essential first step towards overcoming barriers to a loving relationship that can withstand conflict and even engage in conflict in a harmonious, connected way, with a mutual commitment to putting the sanctity of the connection above the issue at hand, as contentious and difficult as that may be.

I so strongly encourage you to enter into the relationship-saving work of diving into couples counseling, both for yourself and for your significant other. Relational satisfaction accounts for a portion of our health and longevity. A peaceful and emotionally attuned partnership is absolutely the most invaluable gift that you can or will give yourself.

Click here for more information on couples therapy.

Four Common Types of Eating Disorders

There is so much I want to convey to you about eating disorders. I have been a student of eating disorder recovery for the past seventeen years, working in the trenches with recovering people and absorbing, night and day, any materials, knowledge or behaviors that could be helpful to them. With this said, I need first to start at the beginning, assuming you are educating yourself for the first time about this fatal disease, and in need of a basic overview of this illness, which manifests in four major forms (below) and currently affects more than 24 million Americans. Eating Disorders are an array of mental disorders that display unusual eating behaviors or habits with serious health consequences. All eating disorders are rooted in an obsession with food, the shape of one’s body or body weight. Fascinatingly, eating disorders are mental health issues that become physical health issues, interfering with every aspect of a person's functionality, with a host of bodily implications as well as cognitive, psychological and social. Eating disorders are a leading cause of death in teenagers in the U.S.     

The symptoms of eating disorders can include food restriction, binges on food, and purging by vomiting or by over-exercising. The average age of onset is 18 years-old for both bulimia nervosa and anorexia nervosa and 21 years old for binge eating disorder. People tend to suffer for a minimum of seven years, if they survive the course of disease. Some are affected throughout the lifespan, spending years in and out of treatment facilities, or worse, never receiving the proper help at all. I will begin my overview by discussing Binge Eating Disorder, which is characterized by recurring binge eating episodes during which a person feels a loss of control and marked distress over his or her eating. Unlike bulimia nervosa, binge eating episodes are not followed by purging, excessive exercise or fasting. As a result, people with binge eating disorder often are overweight or obese.[1] 

Bulimia Nervosa is characterized by binge eating (eating large amounts of food in a short time, along with the sense of a loss of control) followed by a type of behavior that compensates for the binge, such as purging (e.g., vomiting, excessive use of laxatives, or diuretics), fasting, and/or excessive exercise. Unlike anorexia nervosa, people with bulimia can fall within the normal range for their weight. But like people with anorexia, they often fear gaining weight, want desperately to lose weight, and are intensely unhappy with their body size and shape.[2] 

Anorexia Nervosa is characterized by a significant and persistent reduction in food intake leading to extremely low body weight in the context of age, sex, and physical health; a relentless pursuit of thinness; a distortion of body image and intense fear of gaining weight; and extremely disturbed eating behavior. Many people with anorexia see themselves as overweight, even when they are starved or severely malnourished. [3] 

Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID) – according the 5th edition of the Diagnostic Statistics Manual (DSM-5) is seen in my practice often in the pediatric population. Characterized by an eating or feeding disturbance (e.g., apparent lack of interest in eating or food; avoidance based on the sensory characteristics of food; concern about aversive consequences of eating) as manifested by persistent failure to meet appropriate nutritional and/or energy needs associated with one (or more) of the following: significant weight loss (or failure to achieve expected weight gain or faltering growth in children), significant nutritional deficiency, dependence on enteral feeding or oral nutritional supplements, marked interference with psychosocial functioning. ARFID is made known as such when the disturbance is not better explained by lack of available food or by an associated culturally sanctioned practice, and the eating disturbance does not occur exclusively during the course of anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, and there is no evidence of a disturbance in the way in which one’s body weight or shape is experienced. To receive a diagnosis of ARFID, the eating disturbance is not attributable to a concurrent medical condition or not better explained by another mental disorder. When the eating disturbance occurs in the context of another condition or disorder, the severity of the eating disturbance exceeds that routinely associated with the condition or disorder and warrants additional clinical attention. ARFID goes beyond picky eating in toddlers, and needs treatment by an eating disorder professional therapist as well as a specialized nutritionist, and medical monitoring from a pediatrician who is educated in the condition. ARFID is not a phase and can morph into anorexia given the absence of treatment. The information I share is meant to provide a better understanding of four common eating disorders and to dismiss common misconceptions of what eating disorders are. It’s important to note that these are serious medical and mental disorders which do not work themselves out.  If you think you have an eating disorder or know someone who might have one, call us today or see a healthcare practitioner who specializes in eating disorders. See our website at www.liftupwellness.com.

Click here for more information on Eating Disorder Treatment.

[1] Eating Disorders Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/eating-disorders.shtml

[2] Eating Disorders Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/eating-disorders.shtml

[3] Eating Disorders Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/eating-disorders.shtml

Debunking "Self-Care."

 Perhaps the most overused/abused phrase in a therapy room is the dreaded “self-care.”

What is this self-care, and when and how often should we be doing it?

 I am a working mom. Well, all moms are working, but what I mean is, I work outside the home. Or, in my home mostly, from a home-office suite. It’s complicated. I work in other places too. Thanks to technology (hello, ipad/iphone/applewatch/laptop), I work on my phone in the bathroom (*try to remember to put conference call on mute), while jogging my neighborhood loop, in line at the grocery store, parked in my car waiting for pickup, while cooking (burns to prove it), in the sauna at the gym (surprisingly I am not the only one working in there), and well, pretty much all the time.

I know I’m not the only one.

So when is this supposed “self-care” supposed to take place?

I started debunking the meaning of the words “self-care” around five years ago, when I realized, with some guidance from those who have walked this path before me, that there are certain words that might best be temporarily pulled from the dictionaries of humans who fall in any of the following categories: parent, stay-at-home-parent, part-time-working parent, full-time-working parent. These words include: BALANCE, COMPLETE CONFIDENCE, FINANCIAL SECURITY, SERENITY, and most importantly, SELF-CARE.

A wise woman once told me: “You CAN have it all. Just not all at the same time.” Immediately I was struck by the sensibility of this statement. Here’s the rub: My priorities in any given week are the items that I am confident will bring me the most meaning and satisfaction. Some weeks, this may include the gym. Other weeks, not. Does this mean that I am not caring for myself? Or rather, that often, caring for items in my life besides myself are equally essential to my happiness?

On weeks that self-care doesn’t happen, it’s usually because I am choosing to temporarily focus energy on another project that is meaningful. When I choose to focus my energies on a new career project, creative endeavor, or activity with my kids, does this not also benefit me in a myriad of ways? Are these pursuits not as necessary for the preservation of me as I know me as a bubble bath, or other more traditionally conceived forms of “self-care?”

At LIFT, we work with mothers who have been told, or have read, that they need to do more for themselves. “I need to do more self-care!,” they moan (and we wail to ourselves.) The road to self-acceptance is paved with paradox. Is it not satirical to beat yourself up for failing to “self-care?” Wouldn’t the process of degrading yourself for missed opportunities to “self-care” yield defeated confidence and diminished resolve to take up opportunities to do so in the future? The failure to pursue self-care has become a weapon women use to beat themselves and each other with – yet another thing to feel badly about ourselves for. Evidence of something else amiss: low-self worth, self-sabotage, low-self-esteem. Or is it?

The problem is in our framing of the situation. You may be in a season of young children. A season of laundry. A season of career acceleration or deceleration, whichever the case may be. We can have it all. We just have to choose. Each day, we get a fresh 24-hours to decide. Today, self-care, for you, may be a bubble bath. However, if you are are writer, it may mean a half hour of uninterrupted time with a pen. If you are a runner, it may mean a loop around the block. And, if you are all of these things and also a mother, like me, it may (*for today), just mean a shower. I have learned to celebrate a shower the way I used to savor a warm, 10-day tropical vacation with a hardcover by my favorite author in one hand and a margarita in the other.

You are not failing yourself today, mama. Self-care differs in forms. Whatever it is you’re choosing to focus on is what’s crying out the loudest to you, and I’m certain that’s exactly where you need to be.

Last week, I spent an extra 20+ working hours on a project I took on, in addition to my full-time work. This meant little sleep, questionable nutrition, and a generally short-fuse. I knew it would pass. On Thursday night, when I was finished with what was needed, feeling accomplished, gratified, exhausted and proud, I plopped myself down in my tiny bathtub in between my two children, surrounded by Mr. Bubbles, and smiled. Still me. Perspective, check. Self-care, double check.

Do one thing for yourself today: accept that what you are prioritizing right now is just fine and okay. You will be more likely to practice self-care if you can adjust your thinking around what constitutes self-care.

If you’d like to learn more about how to care for yourself in the season that you’re in, please call ☎️: (203) 908-5603, or email mary@liftupwellness.com)

A Tailored Approach to Recovery from Food And Weight Issues

Do you or someone you know struggle in your relationship to food and body?

As a Certified Eating Disorder Specialist and a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist, I look at eating issues from both an intrapsychic and interpersonal framework. Your relationship with food and body does not merely impact you: it affects family dynamics, romanic relationships, career aspirations and parenting outcomes. Your food choices and amounts send a message about your self estimation to bosses, friends and loved ones.

Are you sick and tired of continuing to battle against your body? Whether you are facing a clinical eating disorder such as anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder, or struggling with repeated dysfunctional patterns relating to food, exercise and body image, I will co-create a personalized action plan with you that sets you towards revolutionizing current behavior and unleashes a healthier, happier you.

Eating is a family affair. As the former director of a residential eating disorder treatment center,  I have expertise in treating food issues and body loathing, while triaging families in crisis. Children and adolescents take cues about food from parents, loved ones and peers. Often the entire family is in need of a reassessment of eating patterns. In these cases, I will gently work with you to get your family back on track. My approach is nonjudgmental and meet-you-where-you’re-at. Therapy is a journey that we are on together, and the goal is insight that drives behavioral change and an improved quality of life.

More than ever, societal demands place pressure on both sexes to maintain an unachievable physical ideal. Throughout the media, we see proof that Americans are obsessed with extreme food and exercise behavior. Our culture is obsessed with food: simultaneously glorifying and demonizing it. Learn to break free of the yo-yo of extreme eating and exercise behaviors, while finding balance and enjoyment in food, and love for your body.

I collaborate with the premier eating disorder experts in Fairfield County: registered dietitians, medical doctors and other specialists. I conduct comprehensive assessments of clients to determine a course of action that meets their specific needs and engage professional resources to support clients in their recovery process.

If you needed oral surgery, you would want a specialist to perform the procedure. Do not go to a generalist for help with you or your loved ones food and body issues. This is my field and my training is sophisticated and formatted to meet your unique situation.

Your life can be richer and more joyful. Your relationship with food and your body matters. You matter. I am waiting to take your call for a free phone consultation. Let’s talk change today.

Click here for more information on Eating Disorder Treatment.