Narcissistic Relationship: Signs You Are Dealing with a Narcissistic

Written by Aastha Pahadia on Pinkvilla

True love never hurts anyone, but being in a narcissistic relationship can make you feel unloved and exploited. Read on to know about the signs of a narcissistic partner.

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5 questions to ask before you take that comment personally

Article Written by Gwen Moran on Fast Company

On the receiving end of a sharp comment from a boss or coworker? Stop. Breathe. Ask yourself these questions before you react.

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Mary Dobson, LMFT, CEDS, interview was published in HighsNobiety today on the unfolding Jonah Hill/Sarah Brady alleged ‘emotional abuse’ scandal

HighsNoblety today interview.

Full Transcript of the Interview

1. In Jonah’s text messages to Sarah, he asks her to stop doing several things, including surfing with men, posting photos of herself in a bathing suit, and modeling. Are these legitimate things to ask of a partner?

Great question. In the now infamous text exchange, Jonah presents Sarah with several areas of uncomfortability for him in the form of that laundry list of items. For the record, there is nothing wrong with a partner sharing about areas of vulnerability and discomfort, or even asking for reassurance and comfort from their partner around these areas that induce insecurity or fear of abandonment or betrayal. With that said, it is critical to note the undertones in Jonah’s text messages, for he was not merely asking Sarah to stop doing these things—he was giving her an ultimatum between engaging in these activities, or having him as a partner. Asking and telling are not the same. While it’s acceptable to say, “this behavior makes me uncomfortable and I wish it didn’t,” or I wish I could avoid this feeling of discomfort somehow,” it is another thing entirely to say, “this behavior makes me uncomfortable, and because I’m uncomfortable, you will now need to alter your behavior and rearrange it in a way that gives me a feeling of comfort.” Such a suggestion infers that Jonah’s internal emotional life has a higher priority value than Sarah’s happiness, livelihood, identity, and personal freedoms. 

If Jonah felt that being in a relationship with Sarah was untenable unless she amended her lifestyle, then the correct statement would be, “I care about you and would like to be in a relationship with you, but I am too insecure at this moment in time to tolerate the feelings of discomfort triggered by your public image, body, surf culture, and social life, so I need to take space, do some more work on myself, and perhaps come back when I am strong enough to tolerate my insecurities and accept you for you are at this moment.” It is never the job of a partner to determine our comfort. That is, as we shrinks like to say, “an inside job.” Expecting others to change so that we aren’t triggered is unrealistic, and an ineffective relational strategy, no matter what kind of relationship it is (parent/child, friendship, siblings.) People don’t owe us behavioral change. We can ask, but it’s never owed. 

2. I’ve been seeing a lot of discussion online about how Jonah’s text messages weaponize “therapy speak” — for example, he characterizes the things he doesn’t want Sarah doing as his “boundaries for romantic partnership.” What are your thoughts on this?

As we know by the brilliant film Stutz, Jonah appreciates, and has participated in, therapy. Unfortunately, Jonah’s experience as a longtime therapy patient does not qualify him as a therapist himself, and he is certainly not Sarah’s therapist. What we see in the texts is Jonah utilizing a “one-up position” with Sarah, acting as expert on boundaries by way of his experience in therapy, and simultaneously capitalizing on her lack of experience with  “therapy-speak.” This is actually manipulative, whether Jonah intends it to be or not. In Jonah’s desperation to feel comfortable in his relationship, Jonah presents his boundaries in a way that suggests they are endorsed by his therapist, and covertly uses his therapist as an abettor to his statements (while it is highly unlikely that any therapist would have validated Jonah’s demands within the context they were presented.) 

Jonah’s weaponizing use of term ‘boundaries’ reflects his ignorance of the therapeutic tool he’s attempting to utilize. Boundaries are intended to insulate something that is precious to us, in order to protect it. Jonah can set boundaries for himself, as we all may, but he is in fact very much crossing a boundary by setting boundaries for his partner’s behavior. 

3. I’ve seen people point out that setting boundaries doesn’t mean setting “rules” for other people - do you agree, and do you have any examples of more appropriate asks when it comes to boundary-setting?

We set boundaries for ourselves. A boundary that dictates the behavior of another person is not a boundary, but a ploy for control. For example, we can’t set a boundary that a parent doesn’t drink too much at a holiday dinner. We CAN set a boundary that if a parent drinks too much at a holiday dinner, we can choose not to be around them, by either leaving or asking them to leave. Boundaries are how we pre-determine our level of participation in a tricky situation. Here is an example of an appropriate boundary that Jonah could have set with Sarah: “I have decided that it’s too triggering for me to see people admiring your body on Instagram, so I’ve decided to unfollow your account so I don’t have to look.”

4. How do you think gender and gender roles play into the conflict between Jonah and Sarah? 

Jonah wanted Sarah to cover up, and specifically limit socializing with men, because he saw her body as an object of lust and objectification. Jonah did not trust other men around Sarah with her body, but he also did not trust Sarah with her body. Jonah’s request that Sarah limit viewership of her body to him alone indicates possession, and such a viewpoint is rarely seen in a female to male relationship. Jonah saw Sarah’s body as possessing the power to attract admiration and arousal, and he wanted to rid her of this power in order to disempower Sarah. 

5. Is there anything else about Jonah’s text messages that raises red flags for you? 

This conflict was marked not only by gender and gender roles, but by the power and economic imbalance between a wealthy celebrity and someone who is not. Jonah’s tone with Sarah implies superiority, and is alternately pedantic, patronizing, dismissive, and ridiculing. Jonah holds the power in the relationship with Sarah, and Sarah must accommodate his whims and demands, or another woman will step in who will. Jonah’s knowledge of his celebrity and fame comes through his lines as entitlement and expectations that Sarah will cater to his wishes because his needs and wants are of higher importance than hers. 

At one point in the interchange, Jonah and Sarah reference a financial arrangement. Sarah has begun questioning Jonah’s authority, and confronting his behavior. Jonah reminds her that he has financial leverage over her, even including her own psychotherapy bill. He offers to continue to pay for her therapy through the end of the year, which is unsettling, because many therapists may be swayed to side with a celebrity who is footing the bill over his partner, who is not. Sarah’s financial dependence on Jonah is an overlooked element in the power differential between them. Sarah was beholden to Jonah, and more likely to acquiesce to his demands, however unreasonable, because he was helping her. 

6. There’s been a fair bit of criticism leveraged at Sarah for posting the messages online. What’s your take on that?

The veracity with which Sarah has unleashed this character assassination is without question concerning. Over the past week, Sarah has doubled down and posted a near constant stream of private text messages between herself and her famous ex. While Sarah may have recently experienced a therapeutic breakthrough in which she feels freed from her self-blame around not being able to make this relationship work, Sarah’s compulsive posting and incessant attacks on Jonah are misguided. I believe that Sarah’s motive to help liberate other women from controlling relationships has been surpassed by her righteous indignation, and desire for revenge. When we are so committed to ‘cancelling’ someone due to their treatment of us, it is generally more constructive to look inward and find forgiveness for the qualities in ourselves that allowed such disrespect. In lieu of persisting with her focus on Jonas, I would recommend addressing this anger and venom in therapy, so it can be productive. 

·7. Do you think Jonah’s behavior constitutes emotional abuse? Do you have any advice for someone in a similar predicament?

Most people, at some time or another, will exhibit emotional abuse towards another person. I have treated many couples who were stuck in a pattern of emotional abuse with one another for decades, only to enter couples counseling, learn tools, become better attuned to one another and themselves, and find a new, peaceful and productive communication style. Sometimes, individuals are emotionally abusive in one relationship, and become emotionally abused in another. Poor communication skills and inadequate conflict resolution can be resolved in therapy, with impressive results. It would be unfair to label Jonah as an emotional abuser. Rather, it is fair to say that Sarah’s world and all that came along with it presented a challenge to Jonah which he could not overcome. Rather than acknowledging the mismatch between his insecurities and her lifestyle, Jonah attempted to force Sarah to become someone she is not. Upon discovering that, Sarah exploded with rage, mostly self-directed, for having put the success of a relationship above her personal authenticity. This rage has largely come out at Jonah as the trigger for her self-abandonment. One would hope that she is also looking at her part, and giving herself grace for losing herself in people-pleasing to suit a charismatic personality. Ultimately, no relationship is worth self-abandonment, and a healthy relationship will never request divorcing parts of yourself in order to maintain its survival. 

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Is My Partner A Narcissist?

To piggyback on a previous post about couples in communication, I must add a new post altogether. I see couples who enter into counseling with an immediate, and plaguing question. “Am I, or is my spouse a narcissist? And, if so, can this marriage or relationship be saved?”

First of all, I will often reassure clients that typically, narcissists will not present for therapy inquiring into whether they are on. Many individuals end up in therapy to deal with the narcissists in their lives, and very rarely does it go the other way around.

To begin, I will note that narcissism, or in clinical circles, Narcissistic personality disorder, is one of several types of personality disorders. A simple Google search will yield you this: Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

Narcissism accounts for approximately 6% of the population, is more readily seen in males than females, and can only be diagnosed in adulthood. Symptoms must be present for at least one year. A person with narcissistic personality disorder will: exaggerate achievements and talents, need to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements, preoccupy themselves with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love, believe that they are special and unique, envy others or believe others are envious of them, behave arrogantly, possess a strong sense of entitlement, and exploit others to achieve his or her own ends.

Of course, many individuals, if not all, possess some or more of these traits within their lifespan. Who has not felt envious of someone who has more? Who does not crave recognition upon a job well performed? Who does not dream of great success and what they would do with it? Especially in the era of social media, wherein it is socially acceptable to post pictures of your self (selfies!) or perhaps worse, your shelf (shelfies!), or your car or vacation on a regular basis, is it not easy to misunderstand the true nature of narcissism?

Yes, it is. Much like all the mental health conditions, these are traits, not diagnoses. We live in a competitive age, and people have been socialized to market their personal brand to a large audience for career, for potential matchmaking, dating and mating, and even for social position for their children. This behavior, though it is an often unfortunate relic of our time, is not categorizable as narcissistic personality disorder, but rather a signpost of the era of technology we currently occupy. We can recognize narcissistic traits in others, but we cannot diagnose a person (or ourselves) based on traits alone.

As a trained therapist, narcissism is clear to spot and quickly presents itself in the following very specific ways: invalidation of others, inability to accept the reality of others’ emotional landscape, refusal to recognize the perspective of others, lack of emotional attunement with loved ones, difficulty owning and admitting blame for wrongdoing, and inability to change direction when presented with helpful feedback based on emotional reactivity and high defenses (demonstrated by lashing back, blame, stonewalling, sulking, attacking, shaming and blaming.)

Many of my clients present to me initially because they suffered an upbringing with a narcissistic mother (read: The Drama of The Gifted Child, Alice Miller.) Many of those same (now, adult) children then suffer from marrying a narcissist. It is this, then, that brings them into healing.

If you suspect you live with a narcissist or were impacted by being raised by one, do seek help. Shame, self-blame and a host of depressive disorders can be alleviated by learning to detach with love, set boundaries, take your power back, and stop the generational cycle. We are rooting for you and hope you reach out for a consult.

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Communication Breakdown; It’s Always The Same

“Communication Breakdown, It’s Always The Same.”

Do you and your partner fight about the most mundane things? Do patterns of miscommunication, misunderstandings and hurt feelings cycle through again and again, often without resolution? If so, couples counseling may help.

As a marital and family therapist, I have spent roughly half my clinical work sitting with couples in conflict. Many couples present similarly: a feeling of disconnection is present, defenses are high, both feel misunderstood, and fear is ever-present. Will we work it out? Will this toxic pattern play out for the life of our relationship? How do we escape this merry-go-round of resentment, blame, mistrust, and pain?

My approach with couples is unique in that when I treat a relationship, I am actually working with four people in the room: the two individuals, and the two wounded inner children who desperately crave connection, attunement, safety and understanding.

A female client who I am working with has just recently come to understand how her childhood experience of distrust, betrayal and conditional love have come to play out as themes in her marriage. When I showed her this image, she looked at me with understanding and said, “every picture says a thousand words.”

The image depicts a couple that is fighting, and physically turned away from one another, while their inner children face one another with mutual understanding and playfulness. They understand that no argument is important enough to create the physical separation that has transpired. They know what is most important: love, play, belonging. They get it, but their adult selves have forgotten the truth.

We are all so different, yet so fundamentally the same in this regard. We crave a partner who will see us, validate us, and walk with us through life. Many of us already have this, and yet we find ourselves at war. Couples therapy allows partners to understand what is the problem of the relationship, and what needs to be worked through individually. Couples counseling, when performed from an attachment perspective, also helps partners to heal parts of themselves that keep them from receiving and absorbing the love their partner has for them.

We want and need love, yet we so subtly sabotage ourselves. Mindfulness of this pattern is an essential first step towards overcoming barriers to a loving relationship that can withstand conflict and even engage in conflict in a harmonious, connected way, with a mutual commitment to putting the sanctity of the connection above the issue at hand, as contentious and difficult as that may be.

I so strongly encourage you to enter into the relationship-saving work of diving into couples counseling, both for yourself and for your significant other. Relational satisfaction accounts for a portion of our health and longevity. A peaceful and emotionally attuned partnership is absolutely the most invaluable gift that you can or will give yourself.

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