Surviving the Holidays: Managing Expectations and Disappointment through the Gift of Presence, Given and Received.
This holiday period, kicked off with Thanksgiving and spanning through the New Year, can contain joy, elation, and the creation of family memories that last a lifetime. Yet, simply reviewing that sentence will reveal the pitfalls this very same season bestows. The holidays in our modern world exist on two separate but actual planes: 1.) spiritual and historical traditions with deeply rooted meaning and rich purpose, intended for reflection, shared celebration, and community, 2.) the commercially driven mania and hysteria sold in stores and through the media, which implicates Americans in a con of deliberately over-spending, over-eating, and over-doing in a craze that sustains capitalism and balances the checkbooks of major retailers.
Increasingly, I have born witness to a movement of Americans returning to the roots of what the holiday season means to them. In order to do this, we each as individuals must become clear about what this season represents in our lives. For many, it may be an attempt to recreate the feelings of warmth and nostalgia experienced in childhood for our own children. Some will believe that this is done through gift-giving, in the exchange of the material. Others may desire a closeness and intimacy with family that never existed to begin with, and that year-long, subtle longing becomes acutely painful during a season in which everyone around them appears to be contentedly enjoying perfect relationships, perfect lives, in a perfectly festive setting. This juxtaposition, created by comparison, can create a sense of cognitive dissonance: my expectations do not match my reality. Uh oh. Here arrives the twin sister of Expectations. Meet: Disappointment.
How do we escape the trap of disappointment on ‘special occasions,’ or worse, entire ‘special seasons,’ in which our socially programmed inner voice says, “everything should be perfect during this time.’ Life does not comply with this initiative, because (spoiler alert!) life does not know that it’s the holidays! Life continues on, and does not make exemptions from doing so for special occasions. Examples of this are easy to find: People get into fender benders on their birthdays. Children end up in the ER in need of stitches on Thanksgiving. Parents get the stomach bug on Christmas Day. People get laid off during Hanukkah. On a less radical level, this holiday season, you can be almost certain of these things: siblings will fight. Lights will get tangled. Precious gifts will get lost in the mail. Cards will be returned to sender. You will bicker with a loved one. These events are relatively benign and ought not cause us pain, but rather mere disappointment. However, pain will occur when we tell ourselves promptly afterwards, ‘this shouldn’t be so. Something is wrong, because this shouldn’t be happening to me during the holidays. This is not happening to other people.’
Where do we get this idea that life should cease being real life during the holidays? Well… we do it to each other, don’t we? During a time meant to foster genuine connectivity in communities, we send Christmas card letters that read like a family CV. We post only the ‘good stuff’ to social media. We sign up for anything and everything that will foster that merry feeling we crave - and if it doesn’t, we sign up for more. We do it because it’s what we’ve been taught to do: celebrate with a measure of disingenuousness.
So, what is it that we can do to combat this mass insincerity? I begin by speaking about it. Bringing these topics to light and using humor to contrast our holiday hopes and dreams with what actually transpires, helps. Being gentle with ourselves and speaking with love and tenderness to that still, small voice, which intuitively knows stuff doesn’t buy connection, and that busyness won’t fill the need for meaning, helps too. Also, reminding ourselves that we can ‘unfollow’ people who do not bring us joy, or who feed into this collective, insatiable desire to complicate this season. Lastly, perhaps most importantly, using the tools of self-forgiveness and acceptance to manage the disparity between what exists in our minds as the ideal, and what exists between us and some of the people we love. Relationships with your extended family will not suddenly become conflict-free because it is a special season. People will be who they are, and act in accordance with their typical behavior. Individual human psycho-pathology will not cease to exist because it’s a special time of year. Hard, hard truths, which acceptance can cure, and judgment and the inner critic will never approve of.
Prescription for Wellness. . . Give the gift of radical acceptance to yourself and your loved ones this holiday season. Allow what is to be: the child who won’t smile for the family photo. The aunt who is aloof. The in-law who can be moody. The cousin who has too much to drink. The dog who pees on the carpet. The bickering siblings. They are your people, imperfect and flawed as we all are, and the holidays are not about perfection, but about what they represent to you.
For me, the holiday season is about the traditional music of my childhood, the lights brightening the darkest time of year (even though they were tangled), the cozy evenings in front of the fire with family (even if they’re bickering), the smile on a loved ones face when they see you’ve thought of them with a thoughtful token (even when it’s the wrong size), the taste of homemade cookies (even if they contain kid-baker’s boogers and snot), the moments shared with friends and family (even when someone annoys you, or says the wrong thing, which they will, because life continues to be life and life does not know it’s the holidays.) And these things are good, if we can take them for what they are, and know that we are not guaranteed a perfect holiday season, but we are guaranteed a chance to be present and practice acceptance every day of the year – and if we can accomplish this feat during the holidays, then we are spirituality, love, and peace, in action.
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