A letter to my child, on the day of receiving your first phone

By Mary Dobson, MA, LMFT, CEDS

After speaking with parents of Burr and Dwight Elementary Schools in Fairfield about safe media use and teens, I was inspired to write a letter that may be used as a jumping off point for parents to start a conversation around phone usage.

My child...

I present to you, your very own phone.

This phone is a great tool. It can be used to connect you with your family and friends. It can be used to play your favorite music, to share funny memes with friends, and to take photos of the people and things that you love.

This phone also comes with a set of guidelines. These guidelines were carefully thought out, to protect you, and the people you communicate with, from harm.

It may come as a surprise to you, but many kids your age have gotten into big trouble because of behavior exhibited on this seemingly harmless little device.

Some of these behaviors feel uncomfortable to even speak about with you, because you are such a great kid, with a wonderful, kind, caring heart. I can’t picture you engaging in these kinds of behaviors, ever. But, I have come to learn that speaking with you about these dangers beforehand can help you to be better informed and also to hopefully avoid terrible problems.

Here are the guidelines I have set forth, and how we will prevent problems from becoming an issue in our family.

1.) We will not permit you to use your phone as a weapon.

I have learned that these phones can be used to bully and exploit others. Exploit means, trying to hurt someone by taking their image and using it against them. This can be done in several ways. Kids take pictures and videos of others without their permission, and post them. Other kids may comment on these images. Taking pictures and videos of others without their permission is unacceptable and also has legal repercussions. If we, your family, discover that you have done this, your phone will be taken for four weeks time.

What is even worse, and this makes me very uncomfortable to mention, is that sometimes, boys request pictures of girls. Girls can feel pressured and confused by this and provide those pictures to boys.

My son, I want you to imagine that your sister or cousin were put in this difficult position by a peer at school. Could you imagine how painful it would be for her if she sent a photo of herself and others saw it? Son, doing this and getting caught WILL result in legal action taken against you by your school, or the girls parents. Doing this and getting away with it could permanently erode your value system, sense of self, and how you see and interact with women in the future. We know you are curious and that this can be a confusing time in life. But, requesting or sharing pictures of women is explicitly prohibited and if we find you are using your phone in this way, we are prepared to remove your phone for three months, as well as have you apologize to the girl in question, and her family. We hope to never be put in a position of having to have this conversation with you. We also hope that if you learn of doing anything of this nature, you will let us know immediately, so that you can help to protect the girls in your class, as well as the boys who are doing this from getting in terrible criminal trouble down the line. We will not punish you for turning someone in.

My daughter, I want you to understand something. Your body is a precious gift, and it belongs to you and you alone. Please talk to us if you are being pressured to share pictures of your body. We will discuss how to handle it appropriately. Please never feel obligated to share an image of yours with anyone. Sharing a compromising image of yourself will not make you more popular, but it might ruin many years of your life. Imagine an image of you being seen by your principal, or the police. This is what can happen and will happen when someone is caught for this behavior - and they almost always are. I promise you that this behavior will only make your life very difficult in the future. Furthermore, if we learn that you have shared images with anyone on the internet, we will remove your phone for three months time.

2.) Parental oversight.

We will monitor your phone regularly. Texts are not to be deleted, and we will reserve the right to retrieve deleted texts from the carrier database, as well as remove your phone for one month for deleting texts.

3.) The following apps are permitted: ———. You are not to download any apps. We will maintain the iCloud password to ensure that you are not able to download apps addition to the ones we have set up on your phone.

4) The phone can be used at the following times:

When homework and chores are complete

Before 8:30pm

Never during school hours

Never during mealtimes with friends or family

5) If we feel you are experiencing personality changes after getting a phone, we will remove your phone, out of concern for your wellbeing. The jury is out on how having phones this young will impact young people. We want to keep you healthy, happy and safe above all else.

We hope you understand these conditions.

We love you and congratulations on your first phone.

Love,

Mom and Dad.

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