Debunking "Self-Care."
Perhaps the most overused/abused phrase in a therapy room is the dreaded “self-care.”
What is this self-care, and when and how often should we be doing it?
I am a working mom. Well, all moms are working, but what I mean is, I work outside the home. Or, in my home mostly, from a home-office suite. It’s complicated. I work in other places too. Thanks to technology (hello, ipad/iphone/applewatch/laptop), I work on my phone in the bathroom (*try to remember to put conference call on mute), while jogging my neighborhood loop, in line at the grocery store, parked in my car waiting for pickup, while cooking (burns to prove it), in the sauna at the gym (surprisingly I am not the only one working in there), and well, pretty much all the time.
I know I’m not the only one.
So when is this supposed “self-care” supposed to take place?
I started debunking the meaning of the words “self-care” around five years ago, when I realized, with some guidance from those who have walked this path before me, that there are certain words that might best be temporarily pulled from the dictionaries of humans who fall in any of the following categories: parent, stay-at-home-parent, part-time-working parent, full-time-working parent. These words include: BALANCE, COMPLETE CONFIDENCE, FINANCIAL SECURITY, SERENITY, and most importantly, SELF-CARE.
A wise woman once told me: “You CAN have it all. Just not all at the same time.” Immediately I was struck by the sensibility of this statement. Here’s the rub: My priorities in any given week are the items that I am confident will bring me the most meaning and satisfaction. Some weeks, this may include the gym. Other weeks, not. Does this mean that I am not caring for myself? Or rather, that often, caring for items in my life besides myself are equally essential to my happiness?
On weeks that self-care doesn’t happen, it’s usually because I am choosing to temporarily focus energy on another project that is meaningful. When I choose to focus my energies on a new career project, creative endeavor, or activity with my kids, does this not also benefit me in a myriad of ways? Are these pursuits not as necessary for the preservation of me as I know me as a bubble bath, or other more traditionally conceived forms of “self-care?”
At LIFT, we work with mothers who have been told, or have read, that they need to do more for themselves. “I need to do more self-care!,” they moan (and we wail to ourselves.) The road to self-acceptance is paved with paradox. Is it not satirical to beat yourself up for failing to “self-care?” Wouldn’t the process of degrading yourself for missed opportunities to “self-care” yield defeated confidence and diminished resolve to take up opportunities to do so in the future? The failure to pursue self-care has become a weapon women use to beat themselves and each other with – yet another thing to feel badly about ourselves for. Evidence of something else amiss: low-self worth, self-sabotage, low-self-esteem. Or is it?
The problem is in our framing of the situation. You may be in a season of young children. A season of laundry. A season of career acceleration or deceleration, whichever the case may be. We can have it all. We just have to choose. Each day, we get a fresh 24-hours to decide. Today, self-care, for you, may be a bubble bath. However, if you are are writer, it may mean a half hour of uninterrupted time with a pen. If you are a runner, it may mean a loop around the block. And, if you are all of these things and also a mother, like me, it may (*for today), just mean a shower. I have learned to celebrate a shower the way I used to savor a warm, 10-day tropical vacation with a hardcover by my favorite author in one hand and a margarita in the other.
You are not failing yourself today, mama. Self-care differs in forms. Whatever it is you’re choosing to focus on is what’s crying out the loudest to you, and I’m certain that’s exactly where you need to be.
Last week, I spent an extra 20+ working hours on a project I took on, in addition to my full-time work. This meant little sleep, questionable nutrition, and a generally short-fuse. I knew it would pass. On Thursday night, when I was finished with what was needed, feeling accomplished, gratified, exhausted and proud, I plopped myself down in my tiny bathtub in between my two children, surrounded by Mr. Bubbles, and smiled. Still me. Perspective, check. Self-care, double check.
Do one thing for yourself today: accept that what you are prioritizing right now is just fine and okay. You will be more likely to practice self-care if you can adjust your thinking around what constitutes self-care.
If you’d like to learn more about how to care for yourself in the season that you’re in, please call ☎️: (203) 908-5603, or email mary@liftupwellness.com)
