Surviving Your First Valentine’s Day Out in the LGBTQIA+ Community
It is a universal truth that finding and becoming your brave and authentic self is hard work. This is demonstrably felt when it comes to loving who society says you shouldn’t.
As LIFT clinician Kimberly Neat LPC shares, “One of my favorite movies that normalized same sex relationships is Love, Simon. When it was released while I was in graduate school, I saw myself in it: just a normal person trying to navigate relationships. My partner and I watched it on our first date, and we now love the Hulu spin off Love, Victor. My favorite quote from the whole movie, which still resonates for me now, is: ‘Why is straight the default?’”
This Valentine’s Day 2022, scores of newly out people in the LGBTQIA+ community will be celebrating Valentine’s Day and their first year of living in their bold and authentic truth. While many traditional holiday celebrations can feel hard to navigate as someone newly out in the community, Valentine’s Day can be especially so. Valentine’s Day has historical roots as a heteronormative holiday. This can lead to confusion amongst everyone from wait staff to the local jeweler. Kim Neat reveals, “My partner and I even get mistaken as twins…like all the time!”
Here are five strategies to navigate your first (or 100th) LGBTQIA+ Valentine’s Day.
1. Research local LGBTQIA+ businesses.
Often, you can google your city and find LGBTQIA+ friendly businesses. You may even find LGBTQIA+ owned businesses! You could go on a coffee date, explore bookstores or even pick out jewelry for your loved one. If there is a business you are interested in, but you aren’t sure if it’s LGBTQIA+ friendly, call ahead and get more information. If you are reading this as an ally, make sure it’s clear everyone is welcome, even if it just means putting up a subtle ally symbol. If you’re local to CT, we all highly recommend Bloodroot, a feminist & vegetarian restaurant featuring homemade bread, a library, pretty views, and cats!, in Bridgeport, CT, for a memorable Valentine’s date night.
2. Plan a night in!
Representation is showing up on streaming platforms such as Netflix, Hulu, and HBO that feature movies and shows such as: Love, Victor, The L word, Gentlemen Jack, and Orange is the New Black. Look up the top LGBTQIA+ movies on queer media like Autostraddle and Out Magazine. They’re always updating their lists. You and your significant other could even make your own lists and compare notes. Cook dinner together while listening to an LGBTQIA+ podcast and eat your favorite heart shaped dessert as you exchange gifts in the comfort of your own space or where you feel safe.
3. Navigating the Wilderness.
Celebrating any firsts as someone who is out in the community can be difficult and isolating. You may have a supportive family or family of choice, or you may be in the midst of working through dynamics with friends and family who are still figuring out how you need them to show up for you. Self-care is beyond crucial, and it could be a good time to start talking to a mental health professional or participating in a peer support group of like-minded individuals as you continue to navigate and strengthen your truth. Valentine’s Day is about love, and loving yourself for who you are is the most important love.
4. Look to poetry! Homoerotic poetry is a genre of poetry implicitly dealing with same-sex romantic interaction (Walt Whitman and Michelangelo are two who wrote in this tradition.) Pat Parker wrote the short but sweet poem, “my lover is a woman/ & when i hold her / feel her warmth / i feel good.” Keith Jarrott wrote one of our favorite spoken word poems, “"Excuse me, Poem Are you gay? Have you grown contrarily To what I wanted you to say?" For a rich list of LGBTQIA+ poets, check out here.
5. Be You!
The most important strategy is being yourself and what that means for you. Remember the great Dr. Seuss quote, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” You are out, and some may see or experience you differently, but if you have come out recently, remember, you are still you. In fact, this year, you are the MOST you that you have ever been!
In closing, there is no right or wrong way to celebrate love. If you love rainbows, great! If you don’t love rainbows, that is great too! Whether you are celebrating Valentine's Day with an intimate partner or just for yourself, remember you don’t have to be anyone else but yourself, and to us, you are perfect.
Written and contributed by Kimberly Neat, LPC, with Mary Dobson, LMFT, CEDS
