Nurture and Grow Your Heart This Valentines Day

At dinner this week, our son shared the noodle necklace he created in preschool as a Valentines’ project. “What a beautiful necklace!” our daughter exclaimed, “thank you for making it for me!” “Actually,” our son responded, “it’s for myself!” Daughter looked incredulous. “But if you don’t get ME anything for Valentine’s Day, that means you don’t love me!” 

My husband and I nearly spat out our soup.

We have a terrific marriage, but we do not ‘celebrate’ Valentine’s Day in our house, other than remembering to order heart-shaped pizza. Where had our daughter received the notion that the fate of love depended on gift-giving - with jewelry no less!? 

This is not a notion we embody. In fact, most ‘special occasion’ days in our house are virtually gift-free between the parental units; my idea of romance is being able to go and pick out something special for myself something if I want to, special occasion or not! 

In fact, maybe this is where our boy got the concept that his beautiful noodle necklace should be enjoyed by- who better- himself! 

I have always thought of Valentine’s Day as a reminder to, excuse for, and celebration of LOVE – not just in a romantic sense, but also from daughter to mother, sister to sister, friend to friend, parent to child. Author George Sand wrote, “There is only one happiness in life: to love, and be loved.” How true! When we fill our cup with love, and let it pour out, it creates room for more. 

But - what happens when we are not filling our own cup? A client told me this week that she wishes to gift our practice with an African Violet. I was thrilled, because I know that African Violets can be easily cloned by removing a single leaf. I pictured giving our precious clients’ leaves, and then hearing of them blooming into their own plants. This was before realizing that if I gave away all of the plant’s leaves, it would eventually weaken and injure the plant. 

Love we must - but we can begin by filling our own cups. My daughter’s crushing disappointment stemmed from her expectations! When our son confessed how he wanted to keep his necklace, I thought, “how lovely.” Young children feel so free to do what feels right. What if every one of us, single or coupled, bought ourselves a piece of jewelry this Valentine’s Day, rather than awaiting a special someone’s arrival to fulfill anticipated desires? In fact, how can we teach someone to love us, when we haven’t practiced well on ourselves? 

Often, I see couples who did a perfectly good job of loving themselves- until they got into a relationship. Then, they put the whole job up to their partner. What a set up! Never do this. 

Albert Ellis famously said, “the art of love… is largely the act of persistence.” Practice persistence, then, first, in loving yourself. Persistence in loving yourself in all phases and stages of your body… loving yourself when you eat too much or too little… loving yourself when your partner is irritating you and you need to take space… loving yourself when you don’t have a partner… loving yourself when you have messed up your New Year’s resolutions for the thousandth time…loving yourself when you get laid off... loving yourself when you’re aging... loving yourself when you’ve made a mistake... loving yourself unconditionally, first. Remember all that YOU have been through, to get to who you are now. As James Thurber quipped, “love is what you’ve been through with somebody.” 

And then, outward. Just HOW you will be able to throw your arms around the world, with leaps and bounds more empathy, understanding, acceptance, and only the expectation that they honor themselves and behave with integrity.

Oscar Wilde penned: “to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” If you’re without a romantic partner, do not bemoan your singlehood this Valentines. Gather together with those you love and who love you, for something sweet, and love on each other. The world needs more of all of the many forms love takes, and love is all YOU need. Happy Valentine’s Day to each of our beloved clients! To us, you are perfect.