Is There A Such Thing As A Good Divorce?
Interestingly, the number one Google search term in the month of January is ‘divorce.’ In our practice, inquiries for couples counseling and separation mediation nearly quadruples during this first month of the year. Let’s face it, the dissolution of a marriage is always an upsetting event, marked by disappointment and loss of dreams and expectations. When children are involved, worry and concern for their wellbeing and adjustment add to the distress. Divorce is as much an emotional process as it is a legal process. Financial, emotional and practical challenges posed require time, energy and alterations in responsibilities. Yet, divorce does not have to be purely negative. For some of our clients, divorce serves an important function in freeing individuals to form more satisfying and stable relationships in the future. It is HOW we approach these changes and transitions that determines the outcome of a divorce. With support and guidance, a therapist can help navigate all these changes to help you and your family have a positive outcome.
In the beginning stages of a divorce, sometimes called the announcement phase, intentions are revealed, and you begin to tell others. There can be great relief, yet also distress and upheaval too. Sometimes, couples are intimidated and try to put it all back together. In the separation phase, an actual physical separation occurs. Decisions must be made. If you are in the formal divorce phase and it is legally concluded, one or both must leave the house and it is a good time to redefine boundaries. Reframing the transition as a reorganization and not a dismantling process can help with perspective. New family structure starts to form and with the creation of new rules, new roles and new traditions a sense of stability can be developed. In the aftermath of a divorce, one or both have moved forward and are establishing new family structures, requiring flexibility and negotiation within the relationships to successfully move forward.
No child dreams of having divorced parents. Divorce almost always breaks up a household and its routines. Divorce can distract parents, and children temporarily may not get their needs in the way they once did. Children may feel they need to pick sides or experience a sense of loss or worry for the other parent. Children may be scared, angry, confused or disappointed in one or both parent. The stress of the split and perhaps having to adjust to change of household can heighten anxiety, increase irritability and may exhibit behavior problems or difficulty sleeping. The good news is that many of the effects of divorce on children are short lived and resolve in a year or two. Untreated, other issues may be longer lasting and could play out later in attitudes toward romantic relationships. Children need assurance during this time they are loved by both parents if possible. They also need to be spared any conversations that are really for adults or where one parent might denigrate the other. It is not the actual divorce that harms the child, it is the child seeing parents fight and experience hostility towards one another. It can be terribly challenging to refrain from doing these things. To achieve a good divorce; engage a qualified therapist to use as a sounding board. You will receive encouragement and guidance on the best practices to navigate divorce for you, your children, and your family.
Article contributed by LIFT clinical therapist, Tara Trivers Gans, LMFTA
