Can Resolutions and Radical Acceptance Coexist?
A new year offers the promise of a fresh start to all, hence the ever-popular practice of setting “New Year’s resolutions.” 2019 is available for download as a fresh and ready set of data on YOU.
Self- reflection can be a helpful and necessary calibration tool, provided we can resist the urge to fall into excessive or derogatory naval- gazing. With kindness and sensitivity, it is useful to examine the year from a benevolent observer’s point of view: where did we go right? If we fell off course, what have we learned? What bits and pieces of self- knowledge can be carried forward in our backpack of experience into the new year?
If the adage is true that what we focus on increases, then we may see from the fruits of our labor which areas in our lives have grown this year. This may feel gratifying, and it may also indicate areas which have garnered less attention, and perhaps have shrunk. A shift in priorities could be indicated.
I find it helpful to do this exercise with pen and paper. All actions stem from character traits, and character traits align with core emotions. When we look at a character trait, we should do so by attempting to see its asset as well as its liability. Fear, for example, is a protective mechanism and helps keep us safe. Run rampant, fear can limit options and reduce your world to a colorless place.
Our defenses are less activated when we take the time to measure ourselves in this way. Not good or bad, not right or wrong, but simply character traits tilted off-kilter and waiting to be restored to right size.
The most common new year’s resolutions include eating healthier, exercising more, spending less, drinking less, saving more, switching jobs, learning more, quitting smoking, spending more time with loved ones, and getting organized. To take a deeper look at these goals, let’s look at the character traits behind them. What in us motivates these behaviors to happen, or prevents them from happening? Can we remember a time this year when we were successful in our endeavors? If not, do we understand why? For some, the answer may be self-sabotage or fear of success, stemming from a sense of inadequacy. For others, the answer may be far less simple.
If you must set new year’s resolutions, here are a few tips to keep them realistic: 1. Keep the list short. A long list will overwhelm you and you won’t have time to give adequate attention to any of the items. 2. Make the list time-sensitive, specific, measurable and goal-directed. Include who will hold you accountable, how you will know you’ve accomplished the goal, and what you will do to celebrate. 3. Set a date to re-evaluate once a quarter, perhaps with your therapist, or with a loved one of trusted friend. 4. Tell everyone about your goal, and tell them what specifically they can do to help you achieve it! Supportive community is paramount to changing a mindset or behavior. 5. Be kind. We are all human, and chances are, you did your best in 2019. Your best may look differently in 2020, but that must begin with self-compassion. We won’t work hard to better ourselves fueled by self-criticism. Let self-acceptance and self-love power you to your goals. Partner with yourself, and your support network, in an alliance of friendship and understanding to move forward and make this year your very best yet.
Warm and merry wishes to you!,
Mary Dobson, LMFT, CEDS,
and the LIFT Wellness Team
