When Mother's Day Means Grief

For some, Mother’s Day is a time to celebrate the selfless woman who raised us, and for others, it can be a source of pain, longing, and grief. When a parent passes on from this life, we have a hole in our heart that can never be filled. While some are out celebrating with a bottomless brunch and a day full of sunshine and laughs, for others, this is the most challenging day of the month.

We can also grieve the lack of a relationship our mothers on Mother’s Day. Grief is often focused on the people who have passed, but we can also have a death of a relationship of the living. Navigating all types of grief leading up to the day is difficult considering a bombardment of sappy social media posts, tv commercials, brunch reservations, and various other reminders.

Understanding Grief:

There are 5 stages of grief:

Denial: Sometimes also referred to as shock, commonly the first stage.
Anger: It is normal to feel angry! Anger towards losing someone or loss of a connection is valid.
Bargaining: This is common when people start with the “if only” “I should have...” “What if”
Depression: Feelings of sadness, emptiness, loss of appetite, sleep disturbances.
Acceptance: Acknowledging the reality of the situation.

A common misconception is that the grieving process is linear, and that is not always the case. Sometimes you’ll feel like you have made progress, and somedays, you’ll feel like you have gone backwards. An event, such as Mother’s Day, may be triggering for people. Here are some ways to navigate Mother’s Day:

Unplug from social media:

Like any day to show appreciation to another person, people are drafting ideas for their Mother’s Day post days leading up to the holiday. Perfectly curated post filled with smiles and memories fill timelines of Facebook and Instagram may trigger feelings of resentment to those who are not able or wish to not celebrate the day. It is okay to take a few days away from social media. For those who open social media apps on muscle memory, consider deleting the apps from your device for a few days. You won’t lose your account, but it may give you more peace of mind.

Plan time away from celebrations:

If you know Mother’s Day impacts your mental health, it is best to stay away from places where people commonly celebrate, such as popular brunch places. Instead, consider spending your time engaging in a self-care day at home, going for a hike, surrounding yourself with loved ones who also may not be celebrating, ordering in that day, work on a home garden. During holidays focused on other people, it seems almost impossible to escape completely, but find space you can honor your needs for that day.

Reframing the holiday:

Mother’s Day can be spent in alternative ways if your mother has passed, or you don’t have a relationship with her. Consider celebrating the mother figures and other women in your life, celebrating mother nature, or bringing flowers to the cemetery.

Set up a session with a therapist:

Grief comes and goes like ocean waves. Some days are like calm waters, others feel like a hurricane. We never get over grief, but we learn how to move forward with it and grow around it. Mental health support can help you explore these feelings and teach coping strategies. We grieve because we love, that’s what makes us human.

Contributed by Kim Neat, LPC