What Not to Say to Someone with an Eating Disorder: A Guide to Compassionate Communication

When someone is struggling with an eating disorder, their battle is often invisible, yet deeply painful. The mental and emotional toll of conditions like anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder can be immense, but the challenges are frequently compounded by well-meaning but unhelpful comments from friends, family, and even strangers. These comments, while often intended to be supportive, can unintentionally perpetuate feelings of shame and guilt.

It's important to recognize that eating disorders are complex mental health conditions that involve more than just food and weight. They are deeply intertwined with emotions, self-esteem, control, and sometimes trauma. So, when speaking to someone with an eating disorder, choosing your words carefully is crucial.

Here’s a guide to what not to say to someone with an eating disorder, with specific examples related to food, body, and weight, along with explanations for why these comments can be harmful.

“You look so good! You must be eating so healthy now!”

While this may seem like a compliment, it can be incredibly triggering for someone struggling with an eating disorder. The emphasis on "looking good" often shifts the focus to appearance, which is one of the key issues for many individuals with eating disorders. What matters is not how they look, but how they feel emotionally and physically.

• Why it’s harmful: This comment implies that their worth is tied to their appearance, which can reinforce unhealthy thought patterns. For someone with an eating disorder, praise for their physical appearance may feel like validation for restrictive or harmful behaviors.

“Wow, I could never eat like that, you must be so disciplined!”

Statements like this focus on the idea of "discipline" and reinforce the connection between food intake and control. 

Why it’s harmful: This comment reinforces an unhealthy relationship with food, where eating is seen as something to be measured in terms of self-control or moral behavior. Eating disorders often thrive in environments where food is seen as a battleground for control, and such statements can escalate those feelings of pressure.

“Are you really sure you should eat that?”

This comment can be particularly damaging as it casts doubt on the person's ability to make decisions about their body and food choices. It implies that their food choices are not “healthy” or morally wrong, when in fact, they may already be feeling anxious about what they eat.

• Why it’s harmful: For someone with an eating disorder, such a question can deepen feelings of guilt and self-doubt. It can trigger a sense of shame around eating, which only strengthens the cycle of restrictive eating or disordered behaviors.

“You’ve lost weight! You must be so happy!”

Weight loss is viewed as a positive outcome in society, but for someone with an eating disorder, weight loss may be a result of dangerous behaviors. Commenting on weight loss can be distressing and encourage disordered habits.

• Why it’s harmful: This comment focuses on a number—weight—rather than the person’s well-being. For someone with an eating disorder, weight loss may be a sign of illness or emotional distress. Celebrating it without understanding the context can feel invalidating and can perpetuate maladaptive thoughts. It also perpetuates that idea that weight loss equates to happiness, when that is not the case. 

“You look healthier than you did before, you’ve gained some weight!”

Even if you intend this comment as a positive one, it can be hurtful. Weight fluctuations are common in individuals with eating disorders, and someone may be in the midst of recovery or struggling with feelings of shame about any weight gain.

• Why it’s harmful: This can trigger anxiety or guilt, as eating disorders often have a strong connection to both weight and self-worth. For someone in recovery, weight gain may feel like a setback rather than progress, and comments about it can complicate their emotional experience.

“Just eat more, it’s not that hard.”

For someone who is deeply entrenched in disordered eating habits, eating may feel like an overwhelming challenge. The mental and emotional complexity of eating disorders is not something that can be solved simply by eating more food.

• Why it’s harmful: This dismisses the deep psychological and emotional pain that the individual may be experiencing. Eating disorders are not just about food; they are often about anxiety, fear, and the need to cope with difficult emotions. This comment minimizes the emotions and can make the person feel misunderstood or even more isolated.

Compassionate Communication is Key

When speaking to someone with an eating disorder, it’s crucial to approach the conversation with empathy, kindness, and sensitivity. Acknowledge their feelings, listen without judgment, and avoid comments that focus on appearance, food, or weight. Instead of trying to solve the problem with quick advice or compliments, offer your support by being there for them and encouraging them to seek professional help.

Remember, an eating disorder is not just about food; it’s about deep emotional and psychological struggles. By being mindful of the language we use and offering compassion, we can help reduce stigma and create a safer, more supportive space for those who are suffering in silence.

Are you or your child in need of support?

At Lift Wellness Group, we offer distinct levels of care that are designed to treat eating disorders, including ARFID. Our team of compassionate and highly trained clinicians and staff are here to support you in your recovery. 

Outpatient Services: Working with a Lift therapist or dietitian will provide individualized care as you navigate mental health, disordered eating, or eating disorder recovery.

Our Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) and Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) are highly structured and comprehensive programs that focus on holistic healing and recovery from mental health and eating disorders.

Our admissions team is here to lend a listening ear and find a program that is the best match for you. Connect with us today at (203) 908-5603.

Written by Allison Cooke, Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor and MSW Student