Hello From The Other Side! — The ‘Real’ About a Therapist Who Gets ‘Coached.’

Like most modern humans, I have been on the receiving end of some really life-changing (and, once, some pretty terrible) psychotherapy, but I have never reached out for personal life coaching. Recently, bogged down in day-to-day management tasks that I was meant to delegate, I realized that I was struggling with an issue that would benefit from another set of eyes, and some support. My difficulty passing off tasks is not rooted in intrapsychic mire, but is an entrenched pattern that could and would be quickly resolved with an accountability partner. I did some research, and sought out the help of a coach.

In my research, I realized exactly what it is about coaching that can turn me off. While I found many well-credentialed individuals (and ultimately, selected one,) I also came across some snake oil. Even as a seasoned mental health professional and certainly informed consumer, I found myself intrigued - yet off-put, by their salesy promises.

Here, I will attempt to differentiate what is good coaching, and what I believe to be harmful to humans out there looking to better their lives. 

And, I’ll be frank. There are a LOT of coaches out there! As I browsed through countless websites, I saw phrases such as “level-up,” “10X,” “mindset.” I felt inspired, but more so, insulted. 

Later, what was bothering me hit me right between the nose. I have spent much of my personal adult life coming to terms with the human that I AM. In therapy, we sometimes speak of biorhythms or emotional biorhythms. I used to feel inferior to the moms who woke at 5am, exercised, showered, made breakfast for the family, and appeared fresh and put together at the bus stop. It has taken years of self-work to wholeheartedly embrace the fact that I am a creative; I am productive at night, this is when I blog, plan, and dream, and I will probably never wake up more than an hour before the bus. And that is okay. Attempting to change this (or try to have it ‘coached’ out of me) would be out of sync with what is fundamentally me, akin to changing eye or skin color. I shudder to think about the books and articles I wouldn’t have read or paragraphs I wouldn’t have written had I forced myself to tune into someone else’s biorhythm, thereby missing my own flow in operation. 

I believe that we have the equivalent of biorhythms in various areas of our lives: personal qualities that are unequivocally characterological and inseparable from who we are. Case in point: it also took me many years of self-inquiry to accept and realize that I am in fact an introvert, and that my extroverted presentation had more to do with the societal rewards and capitalistic gains of extroversion. Accepting this essential truth has meant happily turning down invitations in favor of more nights at home by a fire, reading and fueling my soul, rather than forcing myself to make small talk in a loud room, a compensatory behavior that was created long ago as a cover for true self acceptance and understanding.

Much of the work of therapy is in validation, and rooted in the strong presumption that truth and wisdom, as it pertains to our own lives, lies within, rather than existing externally. Therapy could be called a process by which people become more truly themselves, as the therapy room offers allowance for the true self to emerge. While people do COME to therapy to change, there is so much about therapy that encourages them to STAY to do much harder work: accept. Yes, there are elements that can be altered about our lives - but only after making peace with the perfectly imperfect nature of ourselves, all of the repressed versions of ourselves, and their functions and manifestations. Anything less than this is referred to as superficial, or in systems theory, “first-order change.” 

With all of this said, I was able to select a coach who fits the bill. She operates similarly to the way that the LIFT coaches and I do - refusing to provide answers, but rather offering her full attention to the issues I’d like to address. I feel proactive for taking a step to carve out space and time for problem solving, with the accountability of knowing someone else has been brought in to my dilemma. I also feel renewed motivation and energy from going outside of my comfort zone in order to allow another human into my problem story, so that together, we can try out some solutions that perhaps I wouldn’t have entertained on my own. While coaching is not therapy, there are aspects of the two that can be performed in tandem, and I feel proud that I was open to trying this modality from the other end of the couch.

Tell me about your experiences with coaching, therapy, or therapy that involves coaching. How have the two modalities worked together or separately to accomplish different aims in your life? How are the two similar? Please do share!